Monday 11 December 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Daily Express wanks itself dry following snow


Daily Express, snow

Staff at the Daily Express have been horny as hell following the arrival of snow.

The arctic weather has allowed the “journalists” to take a break from the usual hate-mongering and instead focus on what they do best: terrifying the public with various headlines and photos which all roughly translate to “look at da snow”.

“It’s been fantastic,” confirmed Express journalist, Simon Williams, as he wiped semen from his keyboard for the ninth time in two days.

“Nothing turns us on quite like snow around here. It’s been like the last days of Sodom and Gomorrah – only without the sodomy as that’s a little too fruity for us, if you know what I mean.

“Gary played a blinder earlier when he managed to wedge in a paragraph pondering on what Princess Diana would have made of the snow, which had us all reaching for the Kleenex yet again.

“It will be dreadfully sad when the snow stops and we have to go back to making up shite for idiots.”

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