Saturday 9 December 2017 by Arabin Patson

EU appoints 21-year-old intern to deal with Phase 2 of Brexit


EU Brexit negotiator

Michel Barnier has stepped down to be replaced by Sigmund Wilhelms, a young intern on a placement from the University of Tübingen as the EU is trying to control costs and has decided anyone can hand the UK their orders and wait for them to agree.

In his resignation statement, Mr Barnier expressed confidence that the young student of International Politics was up to the task.

Barnier explained, “Sigmund has proven that he is trustworthy and has impressed his colleagues in the mailroom.

“We are certain he will manage to juggle his dissertation research with staying deadpan as the British team spend six months threatening to walk away before doing exactly what we want.”

Mr Wilhelms then thanked Mr Barnier for the opportunity. In a brief speech, he explained he took his duties seriously.

“There are no tasks too humble. Yes, negotiating with David Davis is a step down from collating press packs for the daily briefing, but I will give it my best.

“Plus, the inevitable delays as the British team get recalled to London over some Tory inner feud will give me time to do my research. And I can practice hiding my smirk when the UK claims victory because we allowed them to rename our complete domination into something innocuous like ‘alignment’.”

In London, Fleet Street’s finest wordsmiths got to work recycling bad puns about Germans to compensate for the fact the EU could ask for the Queen to twerk in front of the EU parliament and the best compromise the UK could hope for is a short song.

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