Friday 8 December 2017 by Thomas Gane

Man accepts he will now be drunk until January


Man Christmas drinking

Local man Simon Williams, 28, has accepted he will now be drunk until at least January 2nd.

Speaking mainly to himself, Steve said he’d come to the realisation that he was too far in and it’d be better for everyone if he came to terms with it.

“I was drinking in September to get the most out of summer,” he explained. “Then in October I drank to feel better about summer ending, then November was really about preparing myself for the Christmas sessions to come.

“We’re deep into December now and the Christmas schedule is ramping up. Seeing old friends, going to sporting events and office parties. It’s over, this is my life now.

“A big part of the shame is saying I won’t drink,” Steve continued as he compared bulk prices for Red Bull, Ibuprofen & Effervescent Vitamins.

“So I think it’s better for my mental health and all those forced to interact with me that I embrace this.”

Steve then outlined his plans for a valiant two-week effort at dry January, before getting back on it for the rest of winter when the post-Christmas Seasonal Affective Disorder really sets in.

He hoped that by mid-March and April however, he could move onto lighter sessions in beer gardens, which, as well all know, don’t count.

“From there it’s a straight line to summer and everything will be fine again,” he concluded. “It’ll all be fine.”

When asked by reporters about the possibility of going out and not-drinking, Steve replied, “I suppose, but…”

He then trailed off and at the time of writing is still staring solemnly into the distance.

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