Tuesday 5 December 2017 by Lucas Wilde

“You are welcome to walk” cackle train companies


Train companies happy with price rises

The cost of train tickets will go up by 3.4% and what are you going to about it, peasant?

In an announcement to the public, bosses from the major train companies said they were raising the cost of train tickets from “crippling” to “lethal”.

“We’re doing it because we adore money, and because we can,” giggled Gideon McPrick, CEO of Late Bastards Rail.

“You are of course welcome to find other means to get from Coventry to London, but it’s quite a jog so I suggest you get going now, assuming your meeting isn’t until January. Mwahaha.

“I jest, of course. We both know you’re going to cough up while simultaneously seeing no noticeable improvements to your service. We are the Virgin Media of public transport.”

Commuter, Jay Cooper, said, “I spent more on train fare last year than I did on food, which tastes better and keeps me alive, but I rarely have time to eat because I’m either rushing for a morning train, or my evening train has returned so late that I just want to collapse in a corner.

“I truly wish I could work from home but my boss has a real problem with that, despite the fact it’s 2017 and my physical presence isn’t actually required anywhere in order to work as a software engineer.”

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