Thursday 30 November 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Hard drugs advent calendar to be big hit this Christmas


Christmas Advent calendar

A new hard drugs advent calendar is set to become the big hit of the festive season.

Taking inspiration from chocolate advent calendars for children, cheese advent calendars for fat people, and craft ale advent calendars for dreadful people, the hard drugs advent calendar will start with an eighth of skunk behind door number 1, and go on to a full hit of heroin on December 24th.

“Everyone deserves a treat at Christmas,” said designer Eleanor Gay.

“Even that feckless junkie who lives in the underpass, and what better way to show him your affection than with an advent calendar full of his favourite illicit narcotic treats.”

The calendar is decorated in with a merry Christmas scene featuring Jolly old Santa and his elves in their charming Lapland toy factory and contains 22 potentially devastating hard drug samples, which is a break from the traditional 24.

“Yes, there are no doors for 15 or 21, because 14 contains some Spice and 20 contains Ketamine and, frankly, you’re not really going to be doing too much the day after having a go on those two.”

Local drug-user Simon Williams was thrilled to receive the calendar.

“Well, firstly, it’s a really nice thought. Secondly, as a drug-user, it’s really easy to get stuck in a rut. I mean, I’ve been using heroin for 8 years or so, so I’m really looking forward to broadening my horizons, drugs-wise.

“I’ve heard that crack cocaine is quite something, so I’m hoping that’s behind one of these doors.”

The hard drugs advent calendar is available from scuzzy looking blokes in the Gents cubicles of pubs on estates throughout the country.

And Clintons.

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