Thursday 23 November 2017 by Arabin Patson

Schools erupt in chaos as students protest tax hike on white cider


Teenage drinking cider prices

Schools across the nation were disrupted by spontaneous sit-ins and marches as students expressed anger towards the Chancellor for hiking duty on their favourite tipple.

Kieron Tinnock, a 14-year-old from Croydon, said that the hike would have a huge impact on his peers.

“This price hike will penalise the poorest amongst us and block them from a thriving social life by the swings in the park.

“How am I going to impress girls if I can’t drink up the courage to smash up a bus stop or tell the park warden to fuck off?

“The whole thing smacks of class snobbery. I bet Philip Hammond didn’t raise the duty on the champagne served at his regattas, or wherever people like him do their fingering.”

Simon Williams, a spokesperson for Number 11, denied the increase was an attack on young people’s lifestyles.

“We recognise how essential it is to drink horribly sweet headfucker booze after school. We know it’s a key step in allowing young people to develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol like most British adults – but we are entering difficult times and we need to fund vital services.”

Mr Williams explained that those youngsters that showed initiative did not need to stay sober.

“There are alternatives to store-bought White Lightning.

“Why not make your own as a group project with some chums? Chop up some fruit, mix it in a bucket with a gallon of water, a pound a sugar and some baker’s yeast and leave it somewhere warm. In less than a week you’ll be able to get completely wankered with your friends and you’ll have learned something.”

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