Thursday 23 November 2017 by Davywavy and Ash

Immortal Emperor of Mankind amazed at duration of Robert Mugabe’s reign


Mugabe

A hideous living corpse who has presided over human misery since records began was praised by the Emperor for his staying power, according to reports today.

The semi-animate lich, who declared himself a beacon for his people but ruled over hellish totalitarian tyranny, has agreed to step down after being deposed by the Zimbabwean army – but not before the Emperor recognised him for an impressive performance in lasting so long.

Ordinary Zimbabweans are reported to be amazed Mugabe’s reign is over, saying it ‘felt like ten thousand years’.

“Me and Bob Mugabe, we’ve got a lot in common”, the Emperor told us through His tarot.

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“Ancient husks, stretched ages past our time by force of will, long since insane from the prison of our own existence, we use the myth of a forgotten heroic past to sacrifice legions of our youth to satisfy our hubris.

“When you think about it, Mugabe is a better me than I am! I just hope I get to rule for as long as him.”

The undying overlord, who came to power after a series of wars against alien invaders, justified his rule as being for the good of his people – but the streets of Harare were thronged with jubilant celebrations at the news he had finally stepped down.

When asked, citizens of both the Imperium of Man and Zimbabwe said that being ruled over by a nigh-lifeless despot who cares nothing for individual lives is indeed very bad, but at least they don’t live in Venezuela.

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