Tuesday 21 November 2017 by Gary Stanton

Pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys should face death penalty, insist Republicans


Pardoned thanksgiving turkey

The Thanksgiving turkeys pardoned by President Trump this afternoon should face death by lethal injection after looking at the Melania in the wrong way, Republican hard-liners are claiming.

Despite the tradition which dates back to 1989, Republicans say the decision to pardon the suspected-homosexual Turkey is further evidence that the Trump administration has gone soft on sexually-deviant oven-ready poultry.

However, while the beleaguered President joked that the pardon was something he could do without the approval of an obstructive Congress, unhinged Republican die-hards insisted, “Oh no you f*cking can’t”.

Meanwhile, Fox New’s right-wing fruitcake Sean Hannity claimed the turkey’s feathers represented moral weakness and that it would encourage citizens to pursue a masturbatory agenda even after its neck had been wrung.

Republicans are as divided as ever over the preferred method of execution.

Republican Senate nominee Roy Moore wants to promote death by shoving his hand up inside the turkey and having a good feel around, whereas Speaker Paul Ryan favours basting and a slow roast at Gas Mark 8 ( 230 degrees centigrade ) to keep the bird moist.

Trump himself added, “The turkey’s name is Wishbone, and he has the distinction of being the luckiest bird on the face of the Earth – if you don’t include any of those that avoided one of my pussy-grabs.”

This morning a bullish Trump announced he would press Congress to include turkeys and other game such as chickens, grouse, woodcock and ptarmigan in the electoral register, admitting that he could really use the votes with his approval rating currently below the floor.

Trump added, “They say turkeys don’t vote for Christmas, but I’m gonna make sure as hell this one votes for me.”

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