Monday 20 November 2017 by Tommy Charles

‘More work to be done’ on driverless car technology after test drive fails to kill Jeremy Clarkson


Clarkson almost killed by self-driving car

Manufacturers of driverless cars have admitted that there are still some flaws in the safety technology after one of their test models failed to take out Jeremy Clarkson.

Clarkson claimed that he was almost killed while testing an autonomous vehicle on the M4, leading the car’s engineers frustrated that its programming hadn’t finished him off.

“Obviously the primary objective of driverless technology is to improve safety on our roads,” lead developer Simon Williams said.

“So we have been experimenting with technology that simply eliminates reckless and idiotic drivers altogether, but unfortunately on this occasion that safety feature failed to deploy properly.

“We can only apologise to other road users who continue to have to share the public highways with such a grave threat to their personal safety as Jeremy Clarkson.

“We are working around the clock to refine the technology and improve efficiency in this critical area of safety, but I’m afraid there’s more work to be done.”

The Grand Tour presenter has spoken of the incident, claiming he was left shaken and unable to finish his day’s work.

“I first suspected something was going awry when I took manual control of the vehicle and growled ‘yeeeees’ at it,” he said.

“I was attempting your average J-turn into reverse manoeuvre at a paltry 80mph on the M4, when I suddenly felt the car snatch back control and attempt to plunge me into a ditch.

“Luckily for me, the car detected a stranded family on the hard shoulder and took evasive action to save both them and myself from certain death.

“When I tried to restart the car it repeatedly told me to fuck off, called me a smug prick and simply wouldn’t start up again.

“I was so traumatised by the incident I could barely muster an open-palmed slap across my assistants face at dinnertime when my steak was slightly overcooked.

“I’m now going to be forced to work overtime next week and give him a proper kicking to make up for it.”

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