Tuesday 14 November 2017 by Pete Redfern

Office printer remains defiant after attempted exorcism fails


Printer exorcism

An office printer has remained uncooperative and defiant after an attempted exorcism by a priest failed to yield results.

The HP printer in the office of legal company Slapp, Tickell and Wrythe had been refusing to print documents and when it finally decided to print them had done so incorrectly, forcing staff to take desperate measures.

Office administrator Eleanor Gay told us, “This printer, like every printer ever made, has given us nothing but grief ever since we got it.

“It takes a good half an hour to connect to the thing, but that’s not even the worst of it. The bloody thing spews out paper whenever it wants to, prints documents in the wrong orientation or colour, inexplicably goes offline for a few hours whenever it feels like having a rest and insists that it has a paper jam in it despite there being no paper within half a mile of the bastard.

“Our IT support team just told us to turn it off and on again and that it would probably sort itself out. So we decided to call in a priest to put it right once and for all.”

She went on, “Father Williams came round last week and tried to perform the exorcism in accordance with scripture, but halfway through he turned as white as a sheet, started trembling and ran out of the office screaming something about Beelzebub and his demonic ink toners.

“We never saw him again. And the printer is still sat there taunting us, the smug plastic git.

“Perhaps next time we’ll ask the priest not to sprinkle holy water on it. I don’t think that helped.”

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