Tuesday 14 November 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Ed Sheeran to celebrate recovery from two broken arms with massive wank


Ed Sheeran massive wank

Ed Sheeran is said to be looking forward to a monumental bout of masturbation after spending six weeks with two broken arms.

“It’s been six weeks,” said the Shape of You star, who broke his arms in a bike accident.

“I mean, I can’t fault the care I’ve had from the NHS but there’s only so much you can expect from an overworked Polish staff nurse whose been on shift for nine days straight.”

Mr Sheeran has already made plans for his ostentatious onanism.

“Yeah, Mr Chakrabarty from the corner shop has been brilliant and he’s put by a copy of every grumble mag that’s come in over the last six weeks.

“I’ve also made sure BT have upgraded the internet, and Youporn have been working round the clock to produce a truly vast repository of pornography for me.”

Mr Sheeran returned to the stage in Singapore on Sunday, but has cancelled two concerts towards the end of the week to really focus on his colossal wank.

“I know that my fans might be disappointed, but I hope they understand. I’ve got balls like balloons here.”

It is understood that Heat magazine has secured the photographic rights to Ed’s inaugural wank, and his issue is expected to feature in the January issue.

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