Saturday 11 November 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Sexual harassment accusations mean Steven Seagal’s career likely to remain pitiful


Steven Seagal

Steven Seagal’s career is set to remain irrevocably the same.

The slick-haired bag of ham is the latest Hollywood “star” to face charges of sexual harassment after actress Portia de Rossi claimed he had unzipped his trousers during an audition.

“It’s a revolting thought,” confirmed major studio spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“We are as disgusted by these allegations as anybody else and, as such, we will continue to not include Steven Seagal in the cast of anything you’ll ever see in a cinema.

“The only work he’ll be getting is straight-to-DVD shite with titles such as Half Past Hell, but then that has been the case for the last ten years.

“I’ll be honest, I had to do Google search to remind myself who he was before giving a statement. So we’re going to punish him by leaving him where he is.”

A spokesperson for Mr Seagal said, “Mr Seagull is one of my most important clients…I think, if it’s who I’m thinking of. Blonde hair? No?

“I’m either bad at my job or he hasn’t been famous for a while…maybe it’s both.”

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