Thursday 9 November 2017 by Arabin Patson

Paul Dacre’s career is one of my greatest achievements, affirms Satan


Paul Dacre the devil

At a star-studded dinner marking Paul Dacre’s 25 years as editor of the Daily Mail, an emotional Lucifer gave the keynote speech to celebrate the achievements of his favourite minion.

“Paul’s success in making every aspect of British life utterly devoid of hope shows everyone how taking risks can pay off. People laughed at me for placing my trust in a mere workplace bully.”

The Fallen Angel then took the time to praised Mr Dacre’s many achievements.

“And look where we are now. Paul got the weakest people in society to vote for their own impoverishment using nothing but pure xenophobia.

“He puts up articles decrying the lack of morals in society next to paparazzi shots of denuded teenage women taken without their consent. His cohort of privately educated Oxbridge graduates write columns attacking the elites while he shoots grouse on his massive estate.”

The Father of Lies also acknowledged some of the VIPs present in the room.

“Right now the Prime Minister of the country is sitting there pretending to like his shit jokes because he has such a grip on the opinions of old idiots that he can literally appoint her communications team. Of all the souls I own in this country, his is by far the blackest I will ever collect.”

Asked if he had any connections with the Prime Minister, Mephistopheles angrily pointed out that she would not be in such misery had she made a deal with him. The Devil speculated that such a wretched existence could only be some sort of divine punishment.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt!

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