Tuesday 7 November 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Destruction of Alderaan “not a Death Star thing”, insists Donald Trump


death star

Alderaan was destroyed due to mentally ill Grand Moff Tarkin, and not because of a shitting great laser beam.

That was the opinion of President Donald Trump today, shortly after suggesting that a mass SHOOTING had nothing to do with GUNS that are used for SHOOTING.

“That planet exploded due to mental illness, folks,” confirmed Trump.

“Planet-destroying space stations are perfectly safe as long as they’re used by the right people, and in this case, that space station was utilised by Grand Moff Tarkin, who appears to be mentally unstable. Sad.

“However this is not the right time to talk about space station control or whether we should allow mentally ill people to have them, even though this happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.”

Alderaan orphan, Elizabeth King, said, “I don’t doubt for one second that Grand Moff Tarkin was a lunatic.

“However, I can’t help feeling that said lunatic might have struggled to destroy an entire planet using just a knife or a van.

“It’s not really the mentally ill bit that destroyed my world; it was the fact he had access to a ridiculously powerful weapon which enabled him to do it.”

Weaponised Space Station Ownership Association leader, Jay Cooper, said, “this is just the usual Liberal nonsense.

“President Trump is absolutely right. There is absolutely no link between having a weaponised space station and blowing up a planet, and not having a weaponised space station and not blowing up a planet.”

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