Monday 6 November 2017 by Pete Redfern

Queen beheads her accountant


Queen beheads accountant

Her Majesty has lopped off a head in anger this morning, according to reports.

An investigation into the leaked ‘Paradise Papers’ has revealed that the Queen at some point decided to follow in the esteemed footsteps of Jimmy Carr by investing some of her wealth in an offshore tax haven; a revelation which is understood to have caused Her Majesty extreme embarrassment.

This was the first execution by Queen Elizabeth II, if you don’t count the ‘unofficial’ one in Paris a few years ago, which we certainly don’t suspect any wrongdoing in, and won’t mention for legal reasons.

Her Royal Executioner, who wished to be known only as Simon, told us, “I couldn’t believe it when I got the phone call late last night. So far in my career, I’ve only been allowed to execute the odd squirrel here and there and the occasional swan at dinner parties.

“So when I saw on the news about Her Majesty having put millions in an offshore tax haven, especially one that had invested that money in misery-dealers to the poor ‘BrightHouse’, I figured someone’s head might have to roll and that I’d get a call.”

He went on, “Her Majesty and I spent some time discussing the best way to punish her accountant for such an error, and after deliberating whether or not to burn them at the stake – it is bonfire season, after all – we settled on a good old-fashioned beheading.

He added, “The Queen did say something about wishing that she could execute everyone who has caused her embarrassment, but speaking of Philip she’d better get back inside and give him his breakfast, and then she hurried off.”

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