Saturday 28 October 2017 by Neil Tollfree

It’s only taking back control when we do it, Britain tells Catalonia


Theresa May not recognising Catalan independence

Some hours after the Catalan regional parliament declared independence, Britain has reminded the region that it’s only taking back control when we do it.

“Look, it’s all very well to take back control against a distant and unpopular government if you’re British,” said a Downing Street spokesperson.

“But if another country does it then it’s reckless and stupid and we can’t possibly condone it, as such we will not be recognising an independent state of Catalonia.”

Comedy Foreign Secretary and overweight clown act Boris Johnson was quick to condemn the Catalan declaration.

“Ah yes. Well. You see, whilst the triumphant wind of independence has swept through our great nation, in Spain that wind has become the foul stench of rebellion and consequently we oppose it wholeheartedly,” he said, whilst simultaneously breaking wind and belching.

“I mean, it’s not like they’re going to give £350m to their health service, or stop millions of imaginary immigrants rampaging through Catalonia sponging benefits and trying to ban Christmas, or make a concerted effort to preserve their bendy bananas, is it?

“No. So they can all get back to work and do as they’re told, then.”

“Can I be Prime Minister yet?” He added, before pretending to go for a run.

It is currently unknown whether or not Catalonia will seek to retain close ties with Spain whilst simultaneously briefing to the press that Spanish Government is full of mendacious liars who smell of garlic.

But, frankly, nothing would be a surprise anymore.

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