Thursday 19 October 2017

EU migrants have my word they can stay in the UK, says woman who changes her mind like her knickers


Theresa May on Brexit negotiations

Theresa May has given her word to the UK’s EU migrants that the process to say in the UK after Brexit will be easy and cheap, promising this won’t be like all those other assurances that she’s given in the last couple of years.

In a Facebook post, the prime minister insisted the application process for settled status would be straightforward for all concerned, and “you can take that to the bank”.

With the status of EU migrants in the UK proving to be a sticking point in Brexit negotiations, May is hoping her word will be enough for the EU to take the negotiations to the next stage.

“No, it definitely won’t,” explained one EU negotiator.

“A promise from Theresa May is worth precisely as much as one of your old pound coins.

“It’s a start, I guess, but until this is written down in a watertight contract that the world’s best lawyers can’t poke a hole in, then we continue to assume she’ll just wake up tomorrow and feel like deporting every EU citizen from the UK.

“To be clear, to everyone in Brussels, Theresa May saying ‘resident EU citizens can stay in the UK’ is very much the new ‘there will be no general election’.

“There’s a reason we refer to the UK’s Brexit negotiating team as the ‘U-Turn Crew’. We trust their word about as much as you’d trust Donald Trump’s recollection of a meeting he literally just had.”

A government spokesperson told us, “The prime minister is committed to this course of action, and of course, her current opinion will not change.

“We ask her every few minutes just to make sure of that fact.”

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