Tuesday 17 October 2017 by Lucas Wilde

“It’s not like I shot them myself” shrugs Donald Trump


Donald Trump didn't shoot soldiers

Donald Trump has pointed out that while he’s been tardy in sending letters out to recently bereaved military families, it’s not like he personally killed them.

“I’ll send the letters, ok? I send great letters, I really do, ask anyone,” said Trump, admiring a newly polished 5 Iron.

“And here’s the truth: I never killed those men. Not my fault. Some of you seem to think I shot them myself or something. I didn’t do that, folks. Fake news. Sad.” declared the President, slicing another golf ball into the lake.

An adult spokesperson for the President, said, “Mr. Trump didn’t mean any of the words he just said to you.

“What he meant was- er… oh God I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” they screamed, before tearing his clothes off and jumping into the lake with the golf balls.

“He’s gone to fetch my golf balls. That’s a great American right there,” smiled Trump.

“Notice he jumped in the lake, I didn’t throw him in so that’s not my fault either.”

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