Monday 16 October 2017

Badger fancies its chances against UKIP leader


Badgers to take on UKIP leader

After hearing that new UKIP leader Henry Bolton thinks he could kill a badger with his bare hands, badgers everywhere have suggested they fancy their chances.

Despite being in the job for two whole months – a UKIP record –  Bolton has so far done precious little to make people think he might be a lunatic, before claiming he could easily break a badgers neck if he had to.

However, badgers have now admitted they would be willing to face the UKIP leader in a battle to the death, if the money is right.

Badger Simon Williams told us, “I live in the wild, have extremely sharp inch-long claws and my bite is stronger than most dogs, so, by all means, let’s get it on.

“Sure, he’s got a reach advantage, but once I’ve got my mouth around his throat it’s game over.

“I bet he fights dirty, but that means nothing to someone like me who has grown up on the streets. He’s got nothing any of us should be remotely worried about. Well, apart from a political ideology that belongs in the 1950’s, obviously.”

A UKIP spokesperson said that their new leader fighting a badger was an absolutely ridiculous idea, and not one they would ever consider.

They told us, “There is nothing to be gained by fighting a wild animal to the death, even if it would make great television that everyone would definitely watch.”

However, after being told the badger was an EU migrant they changed their mind and insisted Bolton would ‘rip them apart, anytime, any place’.

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