Friday 6 October 2017 by Davywavy

Outbreak of sleeping sickness traced to watching England football team


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A brief epidemic of narcolepsy which struck Britain last night has been traced to watching the performance of the England football team.

The NHS started taking calls from concerned members of the public at 8pm last night, reporting that friends and family members were slumping into unconsciousness.

If awoken, sufferers had only to glance at their televisions for a few moments before collapsing into insensibility once more.

Reports indicated that people began to recover around full-time, but suggestions this was because Kane scored were proved wrong when it turned out they were just getting up to put the kettle on.

“We were initially very concerned, until we realised that the outbreak could be traced to the first time Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain touched the ball and intensified every time Eric Dier came on camera at all,” said healthcare spokesman Simon Williams.

“And then when Ryan Bertrand… oh, excuse me, I can’t stop yawning. When Bertrand… Bertra… Ber… Zzzzzzzzzz.”

The NHS said that sufferers from last night’s narcolepsy could treat themselves at home by doing something more fast-paced and exciting than watching England play, such as reading the complete works of Marcel Proust, listening to a compilation of Jeremy Corbyn’s best speeches, or looking at your mate’s holiday photos.

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