Friday 6 October 2017 by Lucas Wilde

“Come on then, fuckers!” roars drunken May


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Theresa May has finally snapped and is offering a fist-fight to all who oppose her.

Following reports of around 30 MPs calling for a leadership contest, the moribund Prime Minister rocked up to a cabinet meeting this morning, swigging from a can of Special Brew and sporting a knuckle duster on her free hand.

“Wheresh Grant Shapppppssh,” slurred May, spinning around and accidentally twatting an aide in the face.

“Sershly, you all want a peesh of THISH?! You can… you can come and TRYYYY!”

Mrs. May then mounted the cabinet table, singing Land of Hope and Glory while removing her jacket before doing some shadow-boxing that could be generously described as “messy”.

A government spokesperson said, “Nobody is about to hit a lady.

“We all went to Eton. We will absolutely decimate the poor, but hitting a lady is quite beyond the pale, even for Michael Gove, who we’d all be quite happy to thump in the teeth, as it happens.

“Oh God, she’s ripped the leg of a table off and is swinging it around her head… this is election night all over again.”

 

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