Friday 6 October 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Cabinet fully behind Theresa May (while holding knives)


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The cabinet are fully behind Theresa May, Caesar-style.

Following reports that there is a plot within the Conservative party to oust the prime minister, cabinet ministers lined up to offer their support, while polishing their daggers of choice.

“I fully support the Prime Minister in her actions,” said famously loyal Conservative MP Michael Gove.

“I’m standing right behind her, and I shall be doing so while sporting this rather splendid 7-inch serrated combat knife that I got from Harrods. They really do have everything a wanker might need.”

Chancellor Philip Hammond added, “I stand with the Prime Minister”.

“This knife? Oh, nothing, it’s for cutting up steak that NHS nurses could only fantasise about eating. The military grip just gives one that bit of extra purchase.”

A spokesperson for Downing Street said, “The Prime Minister appreciates the support from her colleagues.

“She particularly appreciates the unexpected invitation to a secluded alleyway outside the Theatre of Pompey. Theresa has always enjoyed Roman culture.”

Michael Gove was then heard to chuckle, “She won’t enjoy this one…”

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