Thursday 5 October 2017 by Pete Redfern

Audi driver entitled to tailgate and flash his lights at you because he is superior to you in every way


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Get your pathetic car out of the fast lane and make way for the important person, losers have today been told.

The mystery of why a swanky git in an expensive car flashes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit in your Ford Mondeo has finally been solved, following in-depth studies by the Highways Agency.

The findings have shown that if you are doing already doing 80mph in the overtaking lane and some self-absorbed prick screams up behind you in a fast German car and starts flashing his lights, this is an unequivocal signal that you are a weaker, poorer person and you need to get out of the bloody way.

Researchers have confirmed that in 100% of cases, the dickhead in the Audi behind you is superior to you and therefore the best thing to do is to pull into the middle lane. The studies showed that he is undoubtedly more attractive than you, is fitter than you, and has a better paid job, a more fulfilling relationship with his spouse and family, larger genitals, an exquisitely tender approach to love-making, and no character flaws whatsoever.

Simon Williams, a spokesperson for the Highways Agency told reporters, “These findings sadly confirm what we’ve always known deep down – that our motorways are essentially a Darwinian battle for survival and if someone is driving a faster car than you then you must submit to their superiority.

“To reduce these incidents occurring we shall be implementing some changes and renaming the lanes of the motorway to ‘OAP/HGV’ lane, ‘Mere Commoner’ lane and ‘Utter Bastard’ lane.

He concluded “If everyone knows their place then the Highway network should flow freely.

“Until a BMW driver comes along and ruins everything. They are a law unto themselves.”

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