Wednesday 4 October 2017 by Davytoast

Heckler & Koch release fully automatic ‘thoughts and prayers’ gun


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A new firearm capable of spraying a sustained barrage of up to 500 empty platitudes a minute has been released by America’s premier home defence manufacturer today.

The weapon, which is intended for the ‘sorrowful but not that sorrowful’ demographic, is designed for the home firearm enthusiast who thinks something should change – just not him.

Specialised RIS mounts will allow the user to upload a direct feed of their thoughts and prayers to social media every time they pull the trigger.

The new gun will also deliver a variety of military-grade arguments into civilian armouries, including ‘But what about knife crime?’, ‘Criminals will always get guns’ and ‘What’s needed is better mental health provision’ at a velocity of up to 3,300fps.

“The stopping power of some of these arguments has to be seen to be believed,” said spokesman Simon-Bob-Williams. “One of these babies can put down almost a dozen libtards in under a minute.

“We’ll shortly be introducing extended and drum magazines which will allow up to thirty minutes of circular argument without reloading.

“Obviously we’re going to continue seeking a ban on apathy-piercing bullets, but we support Congress’s goal to ensure silencers are fitted to everyone talking about gun control.”

 

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