Tuesday 3 October 2017 by Jack Marshall

Arsehole puts up his Christmas decorations


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An inconsiderate arsehole has put up his Christmas decorations despite the fact that Jesus’ birthday is still almost three months away. 

The arsehole, known locally as Simon Williams, spent the weekend erecting his tree, hanging up his fairy lights and pissing off his neighbours.

“I love Christmas,” said Mr Williams.

“After Shrove Tuesday and the Queen’s official birthday, it’s my favourite day of the year.

“I admit that it’s a bit early to be decking the halls with boughs of holly, but, if supermarkets can have their January sales in November, why can’t I bring some festive cheer to my street in October?” asked Mr Williams.

However, few on Mr Williams’ street share his opinion.

“For starters, they look really tacky. It’s like the Blackpool Illuminations had a baby with one of Donald Trump’s failed casinos,” said Nev Burke, a pensioner who lives opposite Mr Williams.

“I saw Simon this morning and said it was too early for Christmas decorations because, firstly, it’s fucking October and, secondly, it’s not even fucking November. But he wouldn’t listen.”

This isn’t the first time Mr Williams’ contempt for seasonal traditions has caused discontent in the neighbourhood.

“Last summer, Simon made a 6-foot ‘snowman’ out of compost and garden waste. It was absolutely disgusting,” explained Mr Burke.

“One resident was so horrified they threw a brick at it. Unfortunately, Simon interpreted this as a loving homage to Home Alone 2 and built an even bigger one.

“Basically, he’s a total arsehole,” concluded Mr Burke.

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