Friday 29 September 2017 by Pete Redfern

Starbucks to mark International Coffee Day by actually spelling your name correctly


Starbucks gets name correct

For the first time ever you will not have a bizarre variant of your name lazily scrawled on your takeaway coffee, Starbucks has confirmed today.

In celebration of International Coffee Day, Starbucks has instructed all their baristas to actually give half a damn about how takeaway customers would like their own name to be spelt on their cardboard cup, and have even given some staff additional training where deemed necessary.

Starbucks spokesperson Simon Williams, or ‘simmon’ as is regularly scrawled on his takeaway cup, made the announcement in his local liquid caffeine dealership saying, “International Coffee Day is one of the most important days in the year for Starbucks, just in second place after the glorious day every year when our profits are announced.

“As such, we would like to mark this great day where the drinking of scalding hot brown liquid is celebrated globally, and to show our customers that we care about them because without them our business would be nothing.

“So just for today, Tim will be spelled Tim and not Tom, Sarah will be Sarah and not Sara, and Boris will be spelled Boris rather than ‘guffawing lecherous windbag’.

“It’s the least we could do.”

Loyal customers have largely welcomed the change with one regular, Eleanor Gay telling us, “They have spelt my name in the past as ‘Elena’, ‘Ellenner’, and once ‘white chick with dreadlocks’, so this will make a refreshing change.”

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