Thursday 28 September 2017 by Davywavy

Everything at half-mast after Hugh Hefner dies


Playboy mansion

Hugh Hefner has discovered that Heaven is exactly like the life he actually lived today.

Having woken up this morning in an opulent palace filled with beautiful women wearing robes, it took Saint Peter more than three hours to convince Hefner that he was, in fact, dead.

Wandering through the halls of the divine mansion, Hefner is understood to have finally been convinced after noticing the decor was less expensive than his own house.

“ISIS once claimed that when you died you got seventy-two virgins and an opulent garden full of the wonders of the Earth,” Hefner told Saint Jerome, who appeared to be less happy about the whole thing.

“And I said ‘When you’re dead? I get that every afternoon’.

“They say that when you’re dead you go to a better place,” he added, looking around. “Me? I’m not so sure.”

Back on Earth, sales of tissues have rocketed in response to the news of the death; and the Playboy mansion is understood to be receiving large deliveries of Viagra in preparation for some sort of 22-gun salute later today.

According to the terms of his will, Hefner will be cremated and his ashes scattered over a Playboy Bunny’s arse.

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