Wednesday 27 September 2017 by Arabin Patson

I’d love to help those swarthy Puerto Rican greasers but they’re so hard to find, claims Trump


Donald Trump, Puerto Rico

As 3 million American citizens languish without running water or electricity, the President explained that his government’s lacklustre response was due to geographical difficulties and not prejudice towards “the cleaning folk”.

At an impromptu press conference at Mar el Lago, Donald Trump explained that the ocean is a vast place which made it hard for the US Navy to locate Puerto Rico.

Mr Trump and several of his staff then made a show of staring out to sea with binoculars and occasionally checking with each other to see if they could spot the US overseas dependency.

Following the display, Mr Trump also hinted that Puerto Ricans were difficult to locate as “Chicanos don’t like to tell the authorities where they live.”

However, sources at the Pentagon denied that they were unable to find the ravaged island, as explained Admiral Simon Williams, USN.

“Puerto Rico has been well charted since 1493 when Columbus claimed it and our technology has moved on quite a lot since then. We even have some assets over there and we’re ready to start operations.

“We’ve been talking to John Kelly to get the go-ahead but whenever we ask him to speak to the president he just looks at his shoes and clenches his fists.”

Seasoned Trump observers believe he has been fearful of Hispanic people since a mysterious incident with Miss Argentina in 1998 that left him sporting a black eye and becoming known on the Latin pageantry circuit as “el pervertido gordo con el micropenis.”

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