Friday 22 September 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Random men picking you up in banged-up cars not good enough for snooty London


Uber banned in London

Uber has been denied its license renewal by Transport for London, despite Londoners craving danger when using the capital’s transport infrastructure.

TFL came to the ridiculous conclusion that the business model of unchecked and untrained men picking you up at 3am and then relying on their phone’s satnav might not be the best thing for London’ reputation.

“It’s an outrage,” confirmed London resident, Simon Williams.

“I have standards when it comes to taxis, and those standards are very, very low. How dare TFL try and ensure those standards are exceeded? Boils my piss, it really does.

“After a night out, there’s nothing I like better than being picked up by a man in a wife-beater who may or may not be on his third tin of the night. Really makes the journey that bit more exciting.”

“I guess I’ll have to get a black cab and put up with their learned knowledge of London routes, polite manner and consistently well-maintained cars.”

Black cab driver, Jay Cooper, said, “Good.”

“I didn’t spend six months out on a moped in the pissing rain for six months learning The Knowledge just so some twonk with a conked-out Renault Espace and an iPhone could usurp me.

“Just the buses to go now, and then London will be ours.”

Uber driver, Matthew Shaw, said, “Ah well, we had a good run of not really being taxi drivers.

“You wanna lift to Heathrow? Only a tenner.

“Just need to wait for the TomTom to find a satellite. Make yourself comfortable in the back and don’t mind the sheep, it’s dead.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: