Friday 22 September 2017

Man hugely excited about his busy weekend of doing absolutely f*ck all


weekend doing nothing

Wokingham resident Simon Williams can’t wait to get started on his busy weekend of doing absolutely f*ck all, according to reports.

Williams has smiled politely all day as his colleagues tell them of their plans for the weekend, safe in the knowledge he is unlikely to get out of his pyjamas.

He told us, “Dave who sits opposite me is doing something that involves two-hours of running over obstacles in a muddy field, even if its cold and wet – in fact, that’s considered a plus.

“He is insisting it will be ‘utterly brilliant’, despite clearly not understanding what the weekend is meant to be used for.

“I will get home tonight and order a very large Pizza, I’ll put on something loose and comfortable, and from that point until Monday morning I will be doing nothing at all.

“I don’t mean that in the figurative sense, I mean, I will literally put on the TV, press play on whatever Netflix recommends, and then only move in cases of emergency. House fire, bowel movement, that sort of thing.

“People might call me lazy, but honestly, I have the best weekends of anyone in the office. I think I’m the only person who comes to work on Monday feeling relaxed.

“Just imagine, Dave will be wiping cow shit out of his eyes while being trampled by an accountant from Swindon while I am busy rearranging the cushions so I can see the television a little better.

“Look at the weather forecast, you people with your ‘outside’ and your ‘activities’ are idiots.”

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