Tuesday 19 September 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Everyone mourning bankruptcy of another shop they never used


Toys R Us

Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy in the US and everybody is pretending to be sad about that.

The toy giant made the announcement this week, in another sign of the fact that everyone now shops online to save having to mingle with the public.

“Oh, that’s a real shame,” said a half-hearted 31-year-old, Simon Williams.

“I think my parents took me there once or twice as a kid, y’know, before Amazon came along and sold the same products for a lot less money.

“I’m sad about this in the same way I was sad about Woolworths, who I also never bought anything from once the Internet happened.”

“It’s not so much I’m sad about a shop potentially closing down, it’s more that another part of my childhood has died and I struggle to cope with that due to the constant voluntary infantilisation of my generation.”

Toys R Us employee, Jay Cooper, said, “you can all fuck off.

“I’m actually sad as I might lose my job because not enough of you nostalgia-bastards spent any money in our stores this year.

“Although maybe you will pop in for our inevitable closing-down sale. I hope your kids choke on the parts.”

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