Monday 18 September 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Those pricks and bastards in my cabinet are completely loyal to me, claims Theresa May


Theresa May

Half-pint Prime Minister and the UK’s most foremost wearer of shoes Theresa May has claimed that the ‘pricks and bastards’ in her cabinet were utterly united behind her.

Her claims come in the wake of international laughing stock Boris Johnson definitely not launching his bid to oust her as leader of the government.

“All the pricks and bastards in my cabinet are in complete accord with me,” she claimed, ignoring what appeared to be a distinct lengthening of her nose.

“For all you know, that treacherous blond shit wrote that Telegraph article at my behest, and Philip Hammond and Liam Fox’s three-month metaphorical penis-measuring contest is just an unusual way of expressing that unity.”

Mrs May went on to speculate what life would be like without her claimed togetherness.

“I mean, having a cabinet that could barely agree on the colour of wine to serve with our deep-fried swan at lunch would naturally be a disaster for the country as it embarks on the most complex negotiations of a generation.

“So it’s a good thing that collection of fuckers, tossbags and wankpockets are all completely onside and totally behind me.”

And with the ever-trustworthy Michael Gove on her team, it is likely that unity amongst the cabinet can only become more solid.

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