Friday 15 September 2017 by Gary Stanton

English football fans outraged after German football fans behave exactly like English football fans


Arsenal fans

English football fans have been outraged by outbreaks of Englishness among fans of a German football team, this morning.

Arsenal supporters jammed phone-ins to complain after fans of FC Cologne bought tickets sold to them online by Arsenal fans.

Over thirty thousand Germans took advantage of the cut-price offers to travel to London and take up entirely valid seats in the home end that they had outrageously paid for legitimately.

However, some good-natured scuffles broke when German fans accused stewards of blocking their way using the perfect English they learn in their excellent, well-funded schools.

Arsenal fan, Simon Williams, said, “My five-year-old son and I were totally surrounded by German fans who were reading aloud verses from the poet Schiller. It was terrifying.”

Fellow gooner, D’Angelo Barksdale, said, “It took me ages to get to the ground because Cologne supporters were blocking the streets. It was exactly like when England fans trashed Marseilles, except without the violence, vomiting and public urination.”

“Some away fans lit flares and were passing around dodgy literature. I must have counted at least fifteen Herman Hesse novels.

“I haven’t felt this unsafe at a football match since England fans stamped on that bloke’s head in Lyon.”

Cologne fan, Uwe Dressler, added, “What did you expect, you stupid fucking island monkeys.”

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