Wednesday 13 September 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Public sector pay rise to be whatever Phillip Hammond found down back of sofa


Philip Hammond, public sector pay cap

Public sector workers throughout the country are celebrating at the news that Phillip Hammond has found some loose change down the back of his sofa, and they’re welcome to it.

Until recently, public sector workers such as policemen and nurses were expected to just shut up and stop going on about it.

However, this new largesse on the part of the Government could see them able to afford up to three extra mars bars per year, provided they buy them from Poundland and Poundland has a deal on Mars bars.

“This makes 18-hour days spent watching nice old people die due to gross NHS underfunding completely worth it,” said nurse Simon Williams.

“I’m so happy, I might buy a pint to celebrate.

“Well, I say ‘I’ – what I mean is that I might club together with a few friends and buy a pint between us.

“I’ve never felt so valued by a Government.”

Phillip Hammond hoped this would put an end to claims that this Government was uncaring and aloof.

“This should keep that ghastly rabble of Trots and anarchists quiet,” said the Chancellor as he tucked into a Swan and diamond panini.

“An extra pound a year? Should be enough for some extra toast toppers for their vile children, which is all they deserve.

“It’s a bloody vocation.”

Public sector workers can expect another pay rise when the pig is born that can fly round to their houses to deliver the news.

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