Tuesday 12 September 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Man vows to play kazoo until any girl speaks to him


Kazoo

Romantic and incredibly creepy guy Simon Williams has vowed to play the kazoo in his local shopping centre until a girl speaks to him.

Mr Williams, who has worn the same Halo 3 t-shirt every day in 2017, has had enough of girls not speaking to him and throwing rocks at him and seeking restraining orders against him for staring through their windows in the middle of the night.

He was left with two options; seek the psychological help he so desperately needs, or purchase a kazoo.

“Yeah, I got the kazoo off Amazon,” he confirmed.

“I was going to do the psychological help thing. But the kazoo was only a pound. Although it was an add-on item, so I had to buy a gallon of cat’s milk to qualify for the kazoo for a pound deal but, it was worth it I reckon.”

Mr Williams has stood in the High Chelsea shopping centre in Chelmsford since his kazoo arrived on Saturday.

“I play all sorts, from Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter to 666:The Number Of The Beast. Iron Maiden sounds brilliant on the kazoo.”

“I’m just hoping that some girl, preferably the sort of girl who likes hearing Iron Maiden songs played on a kazoo in a shopping centre, I’m just hoping that some girl like that will start talking to me and like me and come home and meet my pet goat and then stay for some Findus Crispy Pancakes while I play the whole of Powerslave on my Kazoo.”

It is understood that police have moved Mr Williams on twice and if he returns again, he will be arrested.

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