Tuesday 12 September 2017 by Davytoast

iPhone X to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology


iPhone arsehole recognition technology

The new iPhone X will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

Describing the feature as ‘arsehole recognition’, CEO Tim Cook said the groundbreaking new system was aimed directly at the sort of person who has an Apple and thinks it in some way makes them special or interesting.

Two cameras mounted to the device will create an ‘in depth’ picture of the specific arsehole characteristics of its user in 3D, and will then recognise them again from any angle.

“We call this technology bumprint,” he said. “Whilst there may be some initial and short-term discomfort in creating your profile from all angles, we’re confident that so many of our users walk around with a stick up their arse that they won’t notice there’s a phone there as well after a while.

“From then on you’ll be able to sign in quickly and easily at any time you’ve not got any underwear on.”

When asked if the phone will be able to tell if its owner had enough arsehole for the phone to instantly recognise them, Mr Cook confirmed that the act of paying a thousand bucks for the damn thing made that the easiest part of the whole process.

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