Monday 11 September 2017 by Lucas Wilde

God to read thoughts and prayers once He’s finished destroying Florida


Hurricane Irma hits Florida

God has received your thought and/or prayer and will read it once he’s wiped out Florida.

The man in the sky has been inundated with thoughts and prayers of late; all asking for help in dealing with the weather he created and isn’t too fussed about preventing.

“The Lord your God is a bit busy right now,” confirmed God’s assistant, Simon Williams.

“For some reason he’s really got it in for Florida. Not sure why, but he’s raining down the kind of weather that put paid to Gomorrah back in the good old days.

“He’s particularly looking forward to cracking through Trump’s mansion and watching his supporters justify why that was part of God’s plan. They’re right, of course, but the plan is to annoy Mr Trump, which probably isn’t the plan they thought was happening.”

Florida resident, Jay Cooper, said, “I prayed to the God that’s making this happen that he would stop this from happening, as soon as I realised it was heading for where I live.

“Right now it’s not looking good and I’m going to have to get a new, less wet house.

“However, that’s probably for a good reason that I don’t understand, and the God that either destroyed my house or didn’t intervene in the destruction of my house will definitely help me in getting a new house, in order to rectify his previous actions or inactions which lead to the destruction of my house.

“He truly either does or doesn’t move in mysterious ways.”

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