Saturday 9 September 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Donald Trump approves military strike against Hurricane Irma


Trump military action against hurricane

President Trump is to have a bash at killing some weather.

The big orange bastard made the declaration having consulted with his advisors for nearly four minutes.

“This is entirely the President’s plan and not mine, I wish to make that crystal clear,” sighed advisor, Simon Williams.

“He has tried reasoning with the hurricane by writing to it and warning it to stop. God knows which address he used.”

“So now we are going to, and I quote, ‘blow that fucker to bits’.”

“His logic is that they saved the day in Armageddon using a bomb, and meteors and hurricanes are similar because they’re both ‘bad sky dudes’, so we’re going to literally shoot a hurricane.

“It’s not even the daftest plan he’s had this week. You should hear about his plans for women in the workplace.”

General Jay Cooper said, “Our orders are clear: we are to fire tomahawk missiles into the heart of the hurricane until it stops being so goddamn windy.

“If that doesn’t work, then we are to run at it with machetes while singing America The Beautiful.

“It’s how I always imagined my death.”

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