Friday 8 September 2017 by Arabin Patson

Nation’s heart melts as baying mob of paparazzi terrify five-year-old child


Prince George first day at school

Barely a week after the 20th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana, the British public has decided that the best way to learn the lessons of her tragic demise was to send a pack of creepy men with a telephoto lens to her grandson’s s first day at school.

Many devoted fans of the royalty have cheerfully ignored that their constant supply of pictures of the young prince was only made possible through a callous invasion of his privacy.

Simone Williams, a retired estate agent in Croydon, said that she was overjoyed at the photos of the young boy going through a stressful day while being observed like a zoo exhibit.

“I’m completely smitten with his angelic looks and will buy any rag that takes pictures of the important stages in his life, however intimate or tragic.

“His little frightened face was so cute when he was left in an unfamiliar place full of strangers while knowing his Mum couldn’t be there because she’s too sick.

“It reminded me a lot of those heart-warming photos of his grandmother as the humiliating breakdown of her marriage was thrown into the public sphere. May she rest in peace.”

In related news, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are planning to spend most of October on a secluded ranch in Wyoming. A palace spokesman claimed the couple were drawn to the clean air, the stunning vistas and the state’s draconian trespass laws that would allow Prince Harry to “shoot those fucking tabloid vultures on sight”.

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