Friday 8 September 2017 by Lucas Wilde

David Cameron delights public by taking up smoking


Everyone happy to learn David Cameron has taken up smoking

Everyone is overjoyed to hear that David Cameron is on the darts.

The former prime minister revealed that he has taken up smoking in a recent interview from his second home in hell’s sixth circle- just off the M6.

“Fantastic,” beamed food bank user, Emma Biggins.

“I don’t have much money anymore due to everything he’s done, but we had a whip round in the local and we sent him 2000 Benson and Hedges with a note telling him to crack on.

“Between that and the amounts of fat and sugar used in fancy restaurants, the bastard could be in the cold, hard ground as early as next Christmas.”

Mr Cameron’s spokesperson said, “David felt it was about time he gave something back to the public that loved him so much and for so long.

“We did some polling and a whopping 93% of people asked for ‘nothing but his cancer-riddled corpse’, so he’s doing his best to accommodate that.

“The other 7% wanted some money, which just made Dave laugh a bit and light up another Woodbine.”

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