Thursday 7 September 2017 by Rory McNab

Wheat farmers told to watch out for ‘wild Theresa Mays’ as harvest season approaches


Theresa May, fields of wheat

With harvest season beginning, farmers throughout the country have been warned to remain vigilant for errant Theresa Mays roaming their wheat-fields.

Geoffrey Thrush, the head of the National Farmers Union, today released a statement confirming the recent sightings of Mrs May in wheat-fields throughout the country.

“The harvest season is perhaps the most important time in the farming calendar,” began Mr Thrush, “As such, it is not a time for any form of hi-jinx, however naughty, and we call upon the Prime Minister to respect that.”

Mr Thursh, an arable farmer from Dorset, admitted that he himself had recently spotted Theresa May roaming his fields.

“It was horrifying. It was like that scene in the second Jurassic Park, where those soldiers get chased through long grass by velociraptors. I was out in the field and kept seeing flashes of this hunched creature making harsh cackling sounds, flitting through the wheat.

When I realised it was actually Theresa May instead of just some velociraptors I nearly soiled myself.”

Horace Turncrake, a member of the NFU, added that “She’s a pest. First she helps to orchestrate a move that will remove most of our farming subsidies, then she stamps all over my precious wheat?

“What next? Is she going to kick Pamela, my sheepdog, to death?”

This isn’t the first time that farmers have had to deal with politicians intruding on their pastures.

During the early 2000’s there was similar outrage after livestock pens throughout the country were broken into and decimated by John Prescott.

A contemporary newspaper article concerning the attacks described him as being like a “one-man shoal of piranhas. He devoured everything in one chicken coup, including the feathers and beaks”.

To ward off a possible Theresa May infestation, the NFU has advised farmers to spray their fields with deterrents likely to scare Mrs May away, such as the smell of a Jobcentre.

They also looked into designing a range of scarecrows to look like Jeremy Corbyn that would help scare her off.

However, they realised that Mrs May seemed to think a normal one was actually her real political nemesis.

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