Thursday 7 September 2017 by Lucas Wilde

Parents reminded that all children grow at that speed


child growing up fast

The nation’s parents have been reliably informed that their children are not actually “growing up so fast”.

Following the usual week-long string of back-to-school photos featuring the same uniform in a bigger size and a radiator or front door in the background, many parents have fallen for the idea that their children are growing up rather too quickly.

“No,” explained Dr Jay Cooper, “That’s not how human physiology works.”

“A good indicator is to take a look around at the other kids in your sprog’s year at school. You’ll find they’re all roughly the same height, bar one or two lanky freaks for whom the parents might be able to express surprise, unless they are similarly massive, in which case, also no.

“They’re not growing up quickly, they’re just growing at the expected rate for young human beings, which for the record, is one year of growth per calendar year.

“We’ve found a way to stop that, but it requires breaking quite a lot of bones, so we wouldn’t recommend it.”

A teary-eyed Elizabeth King countered, “But he was so tiny only seven years ago.

“Why couldn’t he have just stayed that way forever?”

“He would have been a social pariah due to societal norms on human size, and unable to play football or anything, but he would have stayed my baby for eternity, which would have been better.”

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