Saturday 2 September 2017 by JS Harding

Yellow Pages going online leaves circus strongmen without phone books to rip in half


Circus Strongman

Twirly-moustachioed strongmen around the nation are today mourning the passing of the Yellow Pages and wondering just what their freaky futures will hold with no behemothic telephone directories to rip in half.

“It’s just not bloody well on,” roared leotard-wearing, shiny pated muscleman Charles Jedd, talking to reporters on his way home from a fresh twirling.

“It’s a classic part of the strongman act. We get on stage at whichever circus, village fete or Tory conference we’ve been booked at and get cracking with our amazing feats; lift a piano, wrestle an elephant and bench press a cow.

“But the ripping in half of the latest edition of the Yellow Pages held a special place in our massively engorged hearts.”

With the Yellow Pages now confirmed to be going completely digital, strongmen around Britain are being forced to ration the few remaining copies before the long-serving directory is pulled off of the printing press for good, leaving Charles and his like without their trademark routine.

“What are we supposed to do now? Go online to the Yellow Pages homepage and chuck the monitor about?” sobbed the distraught freak.

“As I was saying to the facially hirsute female, it’s political correctness meeting the diagnostic criteria for a pervasive psychiatric illness.”

It is believed that the Tories have offered their 2017 election manifesto to the strongmen, as they were not fulfilling any other worthwhile purpose.

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