Thursday 31 August 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May drunkenly announces intention to fight general election


Theresa May to fight election

The Tory party was left reeling last night after Theresa May, after spending an afternoon on the sake in Tokyo, drunkenly announced that she will lead the Tories into the next election.

Mrs May, currently in Japan to desperately plead with them not to forget us after Brexit, added that she would ‘take the f**king lot of you on’.

The Prime Minister made the claims in a shambolic BBC interview.

“Well, it was clear the PM was drunk for the moment she said she was definitely going to lead the party into the next election,” said a Tory party insider.

“I mean, obviously. Only a thoroughly inebriated person would make that claim in her position.”

However, despite making such an absurd claim, the interview only went downhill from there.

“Well, I think the catastrophic flatulence was probably the worst thing. Poor old Ben Wright looked like he was about to turn green. I had no idea that sake had such a disastrous effect on the gastric system.

“The PM then went on to state that Phillip Hammond ‘could f**k off for a start, the poncey streak of piss,’ she visibly adjusted her underwear as her ‘pants are halfway up my f**king arse’, and suggested that she could beat up Jeremy Corbyn ‘no bother’.”

The interview ended in disarray as a voice off camera could be heard shouting ‘kebab mate?’ Before the PM staggered off muttering ‘f**king mint. Better be enough hot sauce on’.

The interview is already being considered as one of her more competent performances since becoming Prime Minister.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: