Saturday 26 August 2017 by Davytoast

Trump issues Presidential pardon to ‘satanic’ jailer


Donald Trump pardons the devil

A controversial jailer accused of keeping the souls of the eternally damned in ‘inhuman’ conditions has been pardoned by the President today.

Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, fell from grace and was cast out from his job when he was found guilty of rebelling against an order to treat humans as people.

Reports indicate that souls in his care were kept in sweltering conditions of over 1000 degrees and regularly assaulted by imps set to guard them.

The Lord of Hell is also accused have having engaged in entrapment, in one notorious case tempting one man into sin for forty days and forty nights just because of who His father was – simply so he could be persecuted should He lapse.

“That guy was an anchor baby with uncertain parentage,” he said at the time. “If he’d just shown me a birth certificate to prove His father was American he could have avoided all that trouble.”

The conviction of Beelzebub was described by the President as a ‘witch hunt by liberal holdovers in the eternal justice department’, and he criticised attempts to paint the Arizona native as anything other than a proud American patriot.

Beelzebub thanked Trump for seeing his conviction for what it truly was, and told humanity that he was ‘not going away’.

“I’ll be here forever,” he said.

“In your hearts, always whispering to you.”

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