Friday 25 August 2017 by Davywavy

Halfwit actress’ website may not be the best source of medical advice, says shock report


Gwyneth Paltrow

A website filled with the wittering voices in Gwyneth Paltrow’s head may not be a better source of health advice than an actual qualified doctor, according to shock claims made today.

The website, which is relied upon by gullible people with too much time and money to keep them in peak physical condition, has been criticised for content whose health value ranges from ‘no noticeable effect whatsoever’ to ‘this shit will fuck you up’ – leading some to suggest that the whole thing is just a mechanism to use fame to milk wealthy morons.

Investigators concluded that the closest thing Paltrow has to a medical qualification is that time she replaced Tony Stark’s robot heart in Iron Man, and it would be unwise to assume that meant her advice to blow steam up your fanny is worth following.

Goop has defended their claims, which include saying that Paltrow’s signature perfume ‘can act as an antibiotic’ and walking barefoot can cure insomnia.

“It might, it might not,” they told us. “We’ve never actually checked, but that doesn’t mean it absolutely doesn’t, does it?

“You say ‘deceptive’, we say ‘unsubstantiated’. Just because something hasn’t been proved, that means it hasn’t been proved false either.

“You and your ‘science’ and ‘facts’ and ‘double-blind peer reviewed studies’. What you feel in your heart is more valuable than any of those things when it comes to wellness.

“The human body is capable of remarkable things if you just believe, and what better way to show you believe than by forking out a few thousand bucks for our products?”

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