Thursday 24 August 2017 by Davytoast

Death metal one-man-band fails to outrage town centre shoppers


Death Metal one-man band

A rendition of Cannibal Corpse’s ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ on ukelele and kazoo has failed to shatter the complacency of town-centre shoppers today.

Busker Anthrax Ghoulshadow, 33, took to the streets with a big drum on his back and drumsticks tied to his elbows to express his loathing of the worthless fleshbags who are blind to the empty meaninglessness of existence, but has so far failed to shock them out of their blind acceptance of so-called ‘reality’.

Ghoulshadow, whose intention is to ‘bust the veil of humanity right open to reveal with hopeless empty corpse beneath’, has so far tried playing hits by Amon Amarth, Kataklysm and Decapitated on a selection of instruments including a pair of cymbals tied to his knees, a harmonica on a bit of curvy wire, and a brass motor-horn tied to the sole of his shoe – but to little apparent effect.

However, he has taken over fifteen pounds in loose change over the course of the morning.

“Ooh, he’s ever so good, the way he plays four or five instruments at once whilst maintaining a nihilist hatred of the mores of contemporary society,” said shopper Marjorie Atkins, 73.

“I asked if he knew We’ll meet again and he said I was a vacant slug despised of Satan, bless him.

“I didn’t come through the blitz to listen to tuneless covers of weakarse crap like Coldplay and Gangman Style,” she added.

“I hope he plays In the mood or Feasting on the blood of the insane next. They always get my toes tapping like in the good old days when my Albert was alive and playing in Venom.”

Undaunted by his failure, Ghoulshadow said he plans to play the entirety of Pulse of the maggots on banjo and washboard, which should “shit these boring norms right up.”

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