Tuesday 22 August 2017 by Arabin Patson

Politicians keen to use new anti-trolling laws to stick it to so-called satirists


Politicians to tackle online bullying

MPs around the country are rejoicing at the prospect of sending piss-taking funny fuckers to prison under proposed regulations to tackle online bullying.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, a British MP, said the new CPS guidelines would finally give beleaguered politicians the tools to fight back against those whose profession is making him and his peers look like twats.

“I’ve built my brand around being a bit of a country squire and then these talentless hacks portray me as some sort of out-of-touch heartless toff.

“But now I can just cry like a poof, claim emotional trauma and it’s off to the galleys for those dreadful scribblers. We still have galleys, don’t we?”

The changes will give protection to the rich and famous but will also help members of the public. Simon Williams, a retiree from Milton Keynes, said he hoped the bill would stop years of persecution.

“Someone’s got it in for me at some shitty website and they haven’t let go since.

“They’ve called me a bigot, a racist, an idiot, a simpleton, a fuckwit, a racist, a moron, a cockwomble, an utter cunt and a pointless wanker. They’ve even accused me of being from Croydon. This ends now.”

However, not everyone was enthusiastic about the new way online discourse was to be policed.

Lawyers for the Mail Online have pointed out that clamping down on malicious victimisation, vicious slander, calls for ethnic cleansing and the relentless stalking of young women would effectively criminalise their entire business model.

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