Tuesday 15 August 2017

Regulated rail fares to rise from ‘Outrageous’ to ‘Exorbitant’


Rail fares to rise in January by 3.6%

Thanks to rising inflation rail fares will rise by up to 3.6% in the new year, elevating current prices from ‘outrageous’ to ‘exorbitant’.

Regulated fares, which include season tickets, will go up by 3.6% from January, though some of these fares could rise by as much as 4.5% due to the ‘flex’ rule, enough to make commuters consider dirty protests.

A spokesperson for the Rail Delivery Group, said, “We know times are tough for many people but next year’s fare increases will ensure that my colleagues and I can definitely continue to live in the manner to which we have become accustomed.

“The rail network simply cannot retain its position as one of the most inefficient entities on the planet unless we continue to significantly overcharge for making you utterly miserable on a daily basis.

“This increase will ensure that misery levels continue to grow in line with our ambitious targets.”

Travellers have reacted angrily to the news, insisting that this time they’ve had enough and they will really start angrily handing over all their money when buying tickets.

Train user Simon Williams told us, “I’ve had enough, I’m paying prices more suited to the year 2057 whilst being transported around the rail network in conditions more suited to 1957.

“From now on I will pay for the ticket I have no option but to buy with a significant sneer. I might even write a stern letter that no-one at the rail network will ever read.”

International traveller Sheila Jones said, “Our trains are slower, dirtier and more expensive than those of our continental cousins.

“For the cost of peak fare to Scotland you can buy an entire train in Italy.

“Have you ever been on a TGV? Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d say, but maybe we could learn something from the French?”

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