Wednesday 9 August 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Humankind enjoys final nuclear apocalypse-free day


enjoying last day before nuclear armageddon

The citizens of the world have risen to enjoy their final day before the entire planet is irradiated forever by two arrested adolescents arguing over who’s got the biggest rocket.

As global nuclear armageddon approaches, ordinary folk plan their final day free of devastating radiation poisoning.

“Well, I was going to pop to Boots as I’ve run out of that shampoo I like,” said Simon Williams, a leaf-straightener from Glossop.

“I’ll probably still do that, but maybe I’ll buy two or three bottles. You know, really stock up. I don’t know if you’ll be able to buy nice shampoo in the post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland.”

“Mind you, Tina Turner’s hair always looked quite nice in that Mad Max film, so perhaps I’ll be fine.”

Others considered more hedonistic plans.

“It’s a shame that we’re getting the nuclear apocalypse on a Thursday, otherwise I’d probably just spend the afternoon in the pub,” said Eleanor Gay, a cabbage-whisperer from Chorley.

“But, I don’t really like going out on a weekday with work the next day. Although, I suppose if the planet’s burning in nuclear fire, then Mr Rumbold won’t mind if I take the day off sick.

“I’ll book the morning off as holiday, just to be sure.”

It is expected that the architects of global destruction, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un will spend the earth’s final day engaging in whatever activity complete psychopaths usually do on Wednesdays – wearing their mother’s underwear and finger-painting with faeces, one would assume.

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